I wonder...

How many people read this? Who are you? I get emails, messages, texts and references often and am always shocked that there is someone else out there that knows the url of my tumblr besides me, my mom, and of course Vanessa. :) I think part of not knowing keeps me from disclosing things and being able to write about what I really do want to write about and share. It’s scary you know? Putting it out there and expressing your thoughts because, well, who’s reading it? I know that part of blogging means that you aren’t supposed to care and that’s the “beauty of it”, but I find myself feeling the complete opposite of that approach. Cue fear of rejection of complete strangers? WHICH IS INCREDIBLY FRUSTRATING IN WAYS I CANNOT DESCRIBE EXCEPT THAT SOMETIMES IT GETS SO BAD MY TUMMY MUSCLES HURT because truly folks, I don’t expect you to care, that’s not why I write. I don’t know why I write, why I think, or why I feel the need to write it all freaking down. 

I  JUST DO! I ask and I ask and I ask myself, but I have no answer. It’s come time that I give up and accept it as is. It reminds me of the night I was chatting with Molly in college and she spoke a statement that hit me so it’s stuck with me since…“Turns out who you were are all along is exactly who you were meant to be?”Can’t help it people - we are exactly who are meant to be and I have no choice but to write and express ridiculous opinions in some format and it just so happens that the “compose” box in Tumblr is the place I tend to feel pretty comfortable in. Yes I have journals, but you tell me, who can write that fast? I literally think so fast that I forget what I was thinking. No it’s not A.D.D. I just get bored with thoughts and move on. They either have to be challenging, interesting or capable of becoming so, or I’m on to the next thing. I wonder if that’s the realistic definition of A.D.D. Who gives a crap? The fact that my late boss made it known to me that people in the office talked about “my A.D.D.” is infuriating enough. EXCUSE ME?! When did you get a PhD and start handing out diagnosis’ and condone talk of “disabilities” without one knowing it was going on!? Anyway, it’s like people diagnosing Autistic children & those with Aspurgers to be troubled. HA. Seriously? Let’s let go of western thoughts and realize the intense and insane capability these people hold. Put them in the right environment and watch them spin circles around the sun. I kid you not. The brightest person I know is so grossly diagnosed with those two disabilities to the point where he should have gone to a special school. The kid scores an IQ that’s out of this world. And he’s fucking rad. 

I’ll take a friend with aspergers and a personality over a book nerd surgeon ANY DAY.