new beginnings.

So cliche, but I can't help myself. Here I sit, yet again, at the start of a new adventure and this time, I am finding it a little more troubling than usual to get my feet underneath me and start producing. I suppose that is because the stakes are higher because in the end, it's the same as it's always been, but now with so much riding on it, I don't find myself rising to the occasion, but rather experiencing complete deer-in-the-headlights effect. Which is odd. And it could change. I bet you if I went back into my journals and read the entry's that were around the times in which I was starting a new journey, they would all have the same sentiment. And slowly, over time, I would be writing less in the journal, and kicking more butt in the real world.

I had been asking God to challenge me, to push me, to get me in a situation where I no longer had excuses and was forced to be the best version of myself. To grow professionally in the ways that I wanted to grow, as well as an adult. Was that all overrated? I don't think so, but I can't seem to slap myself awake and sink my teeth in and GO FOR IT. What am I afraid of? What is holding me back? Why am I doubting myself, the same person who asked for these challenges because she wanted to prove that she could? Well, now if there is a saying for someone who is their own black kettle, please tell me because it's applicable here. Hm, the other saying, "she knew she could, so she did" was often one that I garnered a lot of inspiration & motivation from. Not applicable here because I have no idea. It's like this is an exercise in proving that saying to myself. Perhaps I'll start to see a light that makes me feel differently. I guess that if you sat me down and asked me, in my heart of hearts, do I think I can do it? Can I win? Can I accomplish these tasks and lead this machine? Yes. I do. I suppose where I sit today in my headlight stance, is not a matter of wether or not I can move, but an information overload that has frozen my personal RAM. Totally capable, just, not in this capacity.

Like I said, I have been here before. I know what this place leads to and I know that you must go through it to gain anything. So, smarty pants, since you know all of the things, it's high time we just start doing them. One foot, in front of the other.