Morning Pages

The morning pages as prescribed by Julia Cameron have given lots of creative freedom and expression for those who are seeking to tap into their inner artist. They provided that outlet for me when I first started them in 2011. However, I am afraid that for years I kept going back to the pool hoping for breakthroughs and following the instructions of writing two/three (?) pages without thinking, without stopping, and justifying the process because of the book. I used it as a crutch and blamed the text for not delivering the outcome I sought. 

I have to think. I have to be critical and process. Laying down words day after day with no regard for meaning or direction enabled my scattered, worrisome thoughts and fueled the flame of anxiety I was trying to tame. As with all things there is a time and a place - I neglected to recognize my soul had transitioned out of creativity. Life events carried me to a new chapter where I needed to process pain and reacquaint myself with my surroundings. Be comfortable with this new perspective, my new heart.  I was recklessly (now how do like that? It doesn’t start with a “w”!), fervently scribbling words, desperately hoping for revelations to appear at the tip of my pen, only to be disappointed with my performance in the 20-30 minute exercise that left me more confused than before. I touted the count of my continuous journaling days to justify my efforts in personal development out of compensation for my actual growth. “Reflection counted as spewing scattered feelings onto the page, right?” I asked myself. It turns out that is not the case. 

I asked the universe for the experience of graduate school in 2007 and again in 2017 but with less importunity. What lesson that is most top of mind is to be still, to contemplate, and to trust. There is no answer waiting for me at the end of a chapter, a 3-hour class lecture, a sentence etched in my journal coming from my own pen. Life is a big messy, beautiful swirl of emotions and experiences that cannot be pinned down (How do a find a word that means, Maria?) Journaling, writing, is my way of honoring those swirls; it is a time for contemplation and exploration. What unseen or unknown connections exist? What could that tell me about future experiences? What hidden perspectives and happenings slipped past in the moment but remain in my mind and soul waiting to be honored and spoken? As an adventurer at heart who has been caught more than once smelling the flowers (allow my photo of the bee to be supporting evidence), this is much more suitable to me at this chapter in my life. It feels natural. It is my own. I did not read it in a book and blame my dissatisfaction with the outcome on the author. I am owning this personal experience. 

Here’s to continuing to own it here and beyond.